I have…….

Fallen off.. way off..

I was originally supposed to take a break from facebook and twitter, part of a social network fast from all of my sites, and blog sites, in an attempt to refocus, re-energize, and rejuvenate my spiritual life, and my relationship with God.. more praying, more reading, sharing my testimony with others, sharing the story of Christ with unbelievers, bonding with more believers to strengthen the body of Christ…

Mission..failed.

Instead, i took the ‘break’ from the sites, but that was it, i found myself reading LESS, and praying LESS, falling back into some of my old ways, and struggling, no wait, struggling is giving myself too much credit, NO  i was indulging in old sin. sinning with my mind, AND body. and I’m not happy about it now that I look back on this past month. before I decided to take this break, I was feeling good for the most part about where I was and where I was going spiritually, i was working towards disciplining myself better in areas, and once i started taking that break, I don’t know exactly what happened, but i just started doing everything else but what I set out to do .

I lost that discipline i had for myself and started doing whatever I wanted to do, stay up all night watching tv, playing xbox, i mean thats just the normal stuff, not including the stupid inexcusable sin i had NO business doing…

I have fallen off… WAY off…

i think in this three and a half week stretch i was off of my social sites, i think i actually made it to church maybe once or twice. any other time, i was lucky to catch it online streaming live.

i became so relaxed and lazy doing my own thing, i just forgot about me and my standard, and most importantly i forgot about God

I feel like I abandoned Him, I feel like I just pushed Him aside, and strange enough I felt as if I did that during the time i was supposed to be getting closer to Him, I don’t know and I can’t fully explain how and why I chose to do all that I did, I’m truly sorry and remorseful

I don’t deserve to even be alive to type this.. the way I turned my back on God…

I have abandoned and turned my back on God…

I have fallen away from my promise to God

I have fell short of even my standard for myself, and definitely God’s standard.

I have let a lot of people down…

people that hold me to a level, that think I’m just this spiritually filled guy, when deep down I’m the most filthiest person… I have flaws..sure everyone does, but I uncovered some baggage in my closet… some sins that were packed away that weren’t thrown away, i kept pushing them down, and resisting, instead of confronting them, and disciplining myself, and handing them over to God, and rely on the blood of Christ to fully and rightfully heal me of the sin i had packed down.

instead i figured i would just get it out of my system, have my fun in the sun , and indulge , that way i get it fully out of my system and then fully work on getting better with my relationship w/ God.

but all that did was uncover the sin more and more, and release the painful, yet so seducing, mind numbing, addicting desires to keep indulging…

all the while the pain i don’t see cause I’m chasing the pleasure…

I have put God aside to chase the desire… not knowing the consequence, the harsh reality I’m in for…

my excuse I can’t help it, that excuse wont cut it when I end up in hell……

I have fallen off…. and I’m in desperate need of rescuing…

(sorry, this isn’t a post, where I write what I’m feeling and dealing with, and turn it positive with scripture, my spirit isn’t in the place to do so, and I’m not disciplined enough right now, to think of a scripture to put on this, so please, whoever reads this, PRAY, leave some scripture, just intercede on my behalf, i would say the devil is at work , and he is, but thats giving too much credit, this one is on me. i have failed those around me, myself, and GOD. i have fallen)