Raw…. [Edited]

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Uncut, uncensored, unscripted…

but all thoughts…

what if…. 

what if everything you did, say, or thought, was off of impulse or emotion or a combination of the two, and not a fully thought out plan, derived from prayer, supplication, and received confirmation from God and the Holy Spirit?? (knowing that every thought you have, every word you speak, every action you take, has consequences)

what If you just jumped out into the world, got a job that only  focused on earning money, and not truly serving others,

went to a school that distracted you from learning and studying, and more on the people at the school, and all that comes with being popular, or having a popping social life…

what if you decided to get into a relationship with someone, or just date someone, while all along you realized  you had feelings for someone else ( a first love, a best friend ) ,

what if you had some friendship(s) that have seen their fair share of ups and downs, and you didn’t know if it would last any longer, all the while not wanting the friendship to end, because that’s how much you cared for that person??

what if you joined or attended a church because you heard everybody talking about how good the pastor was or how cool the congregation was, but when you got there, your soul wasn’t truly fed and nurtured?

what if you’re just plain stuck and don’t know what to do in any of the above situations?

its happened to me too…. 

I’ve been there, in each and every one of those scenarios…

and the scary thing… i’ve been in each of them all more than once, at least one time THIS YEAR…

I’m planning on writing a year in review post, and I’m basically deciding what angle to go about it, its so much i want to put, different viewpoints…

But its been the full roller coaster ride, no year before then has been like this… i hear so much like 2011 is the year of chaos, and sure enough I’ve endured some chaos..

but also I’ve gone through some adversity, some pain, some success, some failure, some accomplishments, but also setbacks,

from being in tears, to being in handcuffs, to being in a hospital bed, not knowing if you’re going to make it.

Through it all I can say that I’m still here, or else I wouldn’t be able to write this..

God is ultimately not done using me on this earth.. but next year is simple, its no resolution for a new year, its just simply get back to the basics, get back to what I know, and who I know..

expectations….. 

I have so much expectation in other people its crazy, and when they don’t come through or what I expect from them is not what I get in return, i sit there looking crazy having to reevaluate everything, instead of taking things for what they are…

I can be straight up RAW and say I don’t give a “you know what” about what people say through text, or by word of mouth, in the end its the actions they produce and the motives behind them, and people aren’t aware of how they’re acting they don’t need to be unrestrained without supervision…

that may have been harsh, but I tweeted this a day or two ago, that people may not be able to brave the storm of my bluntness that’s why i try not to bring it out..

I only do this to myself tho, put so much stock into man, and humankind, and when I do that, i start acting different, thinking starts to change, and I become dependent, not on people for material things, but just solely on the person. depending on that relation with them, family member, i expect them to fill a void that was left from my dad, or a friend, expecting them to be there as much as you are for them… or are you (am I) expecting too much from the wrong person, and not enough from the right person?

either way, I’ve been here before, this expectations thing will ware me down and take over my thought process and I don’t need that…

what am I thinking? 

the second half of this year has been a little bit more open, not being in school for financial reasons, only having a light part time schedule at job, and eventually changing jobs, that left a lot of free time to think.. and ultimately thinking too much, analyzing different things just isn’t healthy for me, yet I do it all the time, i just figured, maybe I’m not analyzing, and almost over thinking about the right stuff..

Like do I have a future plan in order, where I can pray over it, get confirmation and start to seek after goals that are put into place, am I concerned about that, or am I so worried about not having a legitimate best friend???  What about if this new job will secure and stabilize me financially? Am I so worried and analyzing that, or am I just concerned with something petty like who will I eventually marry, of if i need to stay single?

I mean I can identify so much that’s wrong with this picture but am I really capable of taking apart the pieces and fixing them and rearranging them piece by piece to put together the puzzle that has me so lost in a world that has me wrapped up in emotion and impulse and living in the moment instead of living to live again on a new earth, and instead of soaking up the sun in a world that will someday pass away.??

Are my priorities in the right place…?

Guess I never had that person to help me FIX the problems… but I’ve had the people in my life to help IDENTIFY the problem….

(I know any advice given to me at this point, is to seek God, i take nothing away from that valuable advice, but at this point God is looking at me and saying Yes seek me, but allow me to show you people that will help you identify what’s wrong. but you must seek me)

this is NOT another ‘advice is highly recommended’ type of post, this is me, being straight up, raw, and not holding anything back.

however…. 

The best advice is the advice you wasn’t expecting to hear, and probably don’t wanna hear, but you know its true

My brother in Christ gave the some advice I needed to hear, even though I didn’t want to hear it, He basically said it all starts with God, and nothing else matters, don’t seek a relationship with someone if you haven’t sought God first, same with everything else in life… I shouldn’t be focused on anything else in my life if God is not at the forefront of it.. point black period..

with that said.. 

this is me saying.. I want to start fresh and clean, i want a new start. with everything. the changing in the calendar could mean the start of a fresh beginning, I don’t want nothing to carry over into the new year, no rollover on any emotions, stresses, anticipations even expectations, none of that…

there are some people I do want in my life in 2012, but to be ultimately honest, I won’t expect a specific role or level of relationship/connection to the people, just know that who I want in my life going forward, mean a lot to me, and I’ll leave it at that…

my prayer

my prayer is that God would fully use me to His Glory , and that I bind up every spirit in me, and the people around me that is not of Him and command those evil spirits to depart at this second, and that moving forward, God has ALL of me for His use, every thought, word, and action to be held captive, and that I would NOT act or react in emotion or impulse to anything said or done towards me, but before all else SEEK HIM FIRST…

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