Dating

Solo 4.0: You couldn’t wait, Now What?

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my first three installments in this series were about basically waiting to date. So it’s no coincidence that I’m focusing on what happens now that you couldn’t wait..

Being solo isn’t the end of the world.
There’s the saying that being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely. It’s like you’re dating yourself. Even that could be a handful. You gotta love yourself,  spoil yourself.  Know what you like and don’t like.  Be comfortable in your own skin.
Being single should be one of the seasons in your life that you’re happiest. No matter if that season of singleness lasts a few months, a few years, or even your whole life. Your season of singleness is a time to focus on yourself. Discover what makes you happy, and keep doing it. Over and over and over again. Rely on yourself. Grow by yourself. Being by yourself doesn’t necessarily have to be boring. It should be just as fun, if not more, as dating someone.
Dating can be fun.  Getting to know someone, finding out what they like,  dislike,  etc. That brand new feeling. It’s refreshing. The first flirt,  first heart eye emoji, first date,  second,  third, first kiss, etc. Butterflies in the stomach feeling.. Right?
Dating isn’t everything either. I can’t speak on marriage or a whole lot on serious relationships that last longer than a couple of years,  but I can speak on dating.
I look at dating like a group project. A fun,  TWO person project. There’s a common task and goal in mind that you’re building towards. Finding out if this could turn into a serious relationship or not.
The idea about group projects is everyone has to contribute. It’s not required, but it’s the ideal thing. If everyone in the group contributes, the project should come out good. If everyone doesn’t contribute,  the project will lack.
Same goes with dating.  Both people ideally should want to contribute to building towards something greater. It’s not a requirement and either person can choose not to contribute and pull out of the dating relationship. Problem is, more times than not,  one person is always more interested in the ‘group project’ than the other. It’s life.  That happens.  But this is where the dating experience turns south. 
You won’t ever be able to make someone like you or be into you the way you’re into them. The best thing you can do is be into yourself so much,  the right person will come along and be into you the way you desire them to be. Naturally.
So just what happens when that experience between you two turn sour? It’s no longer dating at that’ll point. It’s now considered a situationship.
I’m not sure when this term was created but the word Situationship doesn’t sit well with me. It shouldn’t sit well with you either.
Urban dictionary defines a situationship as:
any problematic relationship characterized by one or more unresolved, interpersonal conflicts. usually confused with dating.
Problematic relationship ? But y’all were dating and having a good time, what happened? Interpersonal conflict? What the heck?
I’ll tell you what happened.. Somewhere along the way of you two dating, one of you developed deeper feelings and wanted more while the other would rather continue to date and not get too serious. I don’t do the whole situationship thing. Situationships are toxic. Usually at the dating stage, everything (well almost everything) is innocent. The conversation is good, connection is legitimate. Everything is fine. What causes a situationship is when the conversation starts to become a struggle because now all one person wants is to talk about it being a relationship, something more. And the other doesn’t want to hear it.
Okay, it’s not just the conversation that changes.
Usually situationships are the result of a dating experience that has progressed to the point of introducing sexual relations.
So what’s wrong with having sex with the person you’re dating?
Nothing, if you’re heartless and don’t care about your emotional, physical and mental security and integrity.
Sex is avoidable while dating, but is it always avoided? Nope. Does sex alone cause Situationships? No. But does it affect the health of the dating experience? Yes and no.
It affects the experience because you two are still at the level of learning each other, getting to know what that person likes and dislikes. Having sex at this point is tricky cause you want to know as much as you can about them without getting too physical too fast.
I was browsing Twitter for content about situationships because let’s face it, we are in the generation of social media .. I saw this tweet.
image

Interesting thought.

As I said, if you’re completely emotionless, then having sex with someone you’re dating won’t affect you as much… you robot

For the 98% of us that are affected by sex while dating, be extremely careful. I can’t tell you to stop having sex or stop dating altogether. I’ve been down that road before several times.
What I can say is, watch yourself. Make sure you and the other person have a clear line of communication. Hopefully, if the dating experience has progressed to being intimate, there’s consistent communication already taking place. You both know where y’all stand. Y’all both know how one feels about the other. What sex will do is possibly add more to what you’re really feeling about the other person or what you’re actually ready to feel, if that makes sense.

Avoid the situationships. They’re toxic. The communication has broken down. Theres a chemical imbalance of emotions and thoughts with yourself and the other person. You’re thinking you’re just being led on until they find something better or until it’s time for them to get serious about their life and career. You’re instantly regretting getting into this. Maybe you’re the one who is on the other side. You’re the one that isn’t into them as much as they are and you know it. Maybe you’re the one that just wants something better and this is just convenient for the moment. Bottom line: Someone always ends up getting hurt.

The way I believe it to be is this:
There’s being Single. Dating. Serious Committed Relationships. And Marriage. No in between. No blurred lines. No situationships.

It’s best to just wait. If you can’t wait, it’s okay to date. Just date smart. Know your worth. That’s all I’m saying.

J.

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