I want to do a summer blog series called inside out and I want to look at the different issues in our world. But in order to do that, I need to acknowledge the issues going on around me. That’s why I want to start with myself and internally examine whats going on with self.
The world is a messed up place. And even that is an understatement. I wouldn’t call myself messed up but I will say I haven’t made the brightest of decisions.
I’m now realizing as well as accepting that this season I’m in is my consequential season. Living out my karma. The mistakes ive made the people ive hurt, it’s my time to be hurt by others and have to deal with the consequences and the repercussions of extremely poor decisions.
Looking at my life inside out ive discovered ive lost alot of people’s trust in me. Ive lost trust in myself. I don’t believe in myself anymore. Ive hurt people who have cared deeply about me. I haven’t given myself any opportunity to make things right cause I keep getting in my own way.
Bad karma has caught up to me.
I’ve damaged relationships with people that have given their all in and I never returned the same, ive said I did and wanted to believe it but my actions never followed suit.
Now when I want to start new relationships I get vested in someone that I like only to be returned with a fraction of the adoration and admiration.
But I deserve it, no matter the reason why my admiration isn’t reciprocated, I just deserve it. Because of my past.
I’ve done nothing to improve anyone’s life, even my own. People who shared deep places in my heart no longer wish to share a conversation with me, because of mistakes ive made.
I have to get to the bottom of the root cause of this. What has happened that has made me so incapable of being the man I’m supposed to be. I was told that my life has fallen apart since it changed forever less than 2 years ago. The reason it changed was something that will forever be special. It’s not the cause of why my life has fallen apart but the failed expectation of my life getting better.
Nothing positive in your life will ever lead to your life falling apart thereafter. But the responsibilities, the maturation that needs to take place because of the positive life altering event(s) could affect the status of your life and direction it’s going in if they’re not upheld.
And that’s where I am right now. Failing. At the responsibilities, the maturation. The ambition, the drive, the will to take my life to the next level. Because everything else in my life won’t stop. Everything else will continue to go on without me. The world will continue to spin and rotate around the sun.
I must change.
Stop beating myself up, but rather acknowledge and accept that I have work to do and get to work.
Stop vesting myself in people and things that aren’t worth my time and energy.
And most importantly, regain my passion for the things and people in my life that matter most. The few ones that remain and still have an once of hope left in me. Thank you for not giving up on me. With your prayers, and God’s never ending love and grace I will return to the man I once was.
But to get there, I must start inside out.