5 months, 23 days.
That’s the time since I’ve last posted something. It was notes from a devotional . I can count on barely both my hands the number of times Ive read or studied my Bible, let alone the number of times been to church since then.
Just a barrage of things that’s on my plate.
Work is stressful. I’m out of work currently
Fatherhood is going great right now. I struggle everyday with being a dad.
School is going good, I graduate soon. I’ve been out of school for a year now. Second time taking off from school that long.
I want better for my life. I want greatness. Not just so I can say things are going great in my life, but I can be a blessing to the people in my life. Instead of being a burden.. Instead of being a disappointment. A failure .
I want to tell myself, things will get better. I see the light at the end of the table. Then that voice in the back of my head eats away at it. Is it depression? Is it doubt? Fear? Insecurity?
Answer: ALL of them.
I thought as a guy, we were immune to fear and doubt and depression. Then I saw what happened to Robin Williams.
Not saying that we men are invincible. Not what I’m saying at all.. I’m saying I didn’t think those things can alter someone’s view on their life.
In reality they do.
I’ve never ever in my life thought about taking my own life. But I’ve had thoughts, what would life be without me, would everyone be better off without me?
It’s extremely selfish to think In such a way now having a daughter. And I don’t want to dwell on those thoughts. Even if she’s the only person left on this earth that can’t live without me or feels she needs me in her life, then I’m okay with that.
I just don’t want to be a failure to her. I feel like Ive failed everyone else. And there’s not much I can do to change their opinion. But my princess can see me as a success. I have everything to do with if she sees me like that or not. I just need to train my mind to accept this reality and live in it.