This is a pattern.
But this night is different. Everything is turned off. Lights. Tv. Phone. well technically it’s turned off.. it’s not making any noise.. its 5 am tho.
But my mind is filled more with thoughts late at night, than it is during the day.. it’s like my mind is more turned on and working more when I should be sleep, than when I’m awake.
So what goes on in my head? Question really is, what doesn’t go through my head?
Between personal life, school, work, my spiritual walk, seems like nothing is right. And I’m trying to find the positive in it all, and yeah i realize the obvious. I’m still breathing, yes I still have clothes and food, and God is real. Those things I know. But this isn’t me complaining about how life sucks at work, or how I’m stressed and pressed for time to get back into school, second-guessing personal life situations..worried about family members… No i’m far from complaining. I feel helpless.
I honestly feel like I can’t get on top of any situation. Like I’m not motivated to handle business and take care of priorities. Not motivated to do my job, or put forth extra effort in anything. Feels like I’ve run out of gas. And I’m stuck.
At times It seems as though my mind starts replaying all the things that has gone on in my life… little things… huge things. life changing events. but I hardly ever catch myself thinking ahead. and if i do it’s thoughts of uncertainty. Nothing clear about my future. and that wasn’t always the case. I used to be excited about the future. Finishing school. starting my career. starting a family. traveling the world. all that good stuff..
but somewhere along the line, the bottom fell out. I don’t know if it happened with my hospital scare last year. the overall year layoff from school.. my dad passing 6 years ago. somewhere during that stretch, i lost it.
It may not be a name for it. But it’s something we all possess. It’s that feeling, that thing deep down inside you that holds everything together. The reason you push a little harder when things get rough. The motivation to finish whatever it is you started. I may be defining faith. and come to think of it, that may just be it.
Saying I’ve lost faith in a lot of things in my life may make me seem…depressed. Like I’ve given up. But I won’t say that just yet… The given up on life feeling hasn’t hit yet. I don’t think it will. It just feels like.. I can’t even describe it.
Stuck.. Confused.. Helpless. Worried. Uninspired. Mentally drained. Alone.
Stuck because I feel like I haven’t made any progress in my life..all phases of it. Confused because I don’t know where to start. Helpless because I’m lacking a voice in my life. Someone like a mentor to speak encouragement into my life.. to pour some wisdom into my life and way of thinking. Uninspired because there’s nothing in this head of mine to want to push harder… just going with the flow… Mentally drained because i wear myself out thinking… but what’s a guy to do in this situation.. Alone because…well the word speaks for itself ..
yeah i probably do think too much. but that’s been both my strength and my weakness. when I think too much, i often try too hard to do things or fix things. then I can think too much and not even try hard enough or at all..
I know anyone who even takes a moment to read this will say this guy needs to pray… and quite frankly i do. But even praying is apart of this uninspired, drained, stuck feeling I have. I don’t know where to start with telling God what I want/need. to be honest, my walk isn’t even up to par to be asking God what I need and want. slacking off with my reading, haven’t had a true honest bible study or anything like that.. just church on Sunday, (and by now I’ve seen the just because you go to church doesn’t mean……tweet a 1,000 times -___-)
Eventually i’ll muster up enough mental strength and man up and just get on my knees and pray. But right now, at least getting my thoughts typed out of my head is a start. it may help me get a few hours of sleep before work…
Pray for me .