Thoughts racing. Feet pacing. Back and forth. Forth and back. What if, what should, what will, why, yet still?
Usually evaluating yourself doesn’t come with so many questions. But my case, it does. I’m not the one to be quiet and silent for extended periods of time, but when I am, it’s usually because I’m captivated by something, or drowning in a pool of deep thoughts, with no sign of a life jacket in sight. What captivates my thoughts to the point where I become mute? What has me silent in word, but so loud and active in mind?
Myself. [Not to sound conceited, but its the truth] I captivate my own mind with myself. Getting caught up, and wrestling with why things are going the way they are, Why am I in the positions that I’m in, what should I do about them, why haven’t I done anything about them, yet still God is providing ways and opportunities for me to do something about it?
First thing’s first, my struggles. They’re dangerously reaching addiction status. One moment I’m fine, the next, I give in at the drop of the time, becoming susceptible to any form of sexual temptation from the slightest, and most innocent flirt, to the most indulging form of sexual temptation there is, sex itself. What I don’t seem to understand is that, temptation at its highest and most tempting state, I’m okay. I can resist the actual urge for sexual intercourse. But it’s the forms of sexual immorality that come before that. Lust, porn, and masturbation. I must realize something about this condition i have. Although it may not be medically ruled an addiction, I am flirting with death. Forget calling the devil out, getting angry at him, he wants that, the bible tells me that messing with sin, will give way to death. The fornicators, adulterers, and those who are sexual immoral WILL NOT inherit the kingdom of God. That simple. It may be Satan’s tactic to get me off my path with God, but its every bit of my struggle that separates me from God.
So what should I do? Not give in. (easy to say, hard to do). What about not give in, trusting in God, and not yourself. (Okay, better) That’s what I will do…..But why haven’t I done that already?? Yet still God is everlasting in His grace and mercy, loving me unconditionally and forgiving me. But He won’t always do that… especially if I continue habitually sinning, while knowing better.
Then there are the insecurities. Most times they derive from struggles in your life. Mine is no different. Feeling insecure isn’t something to mope about or complain about, to me I address it so I can devise ways to fix them. Ultimately God is the only one that can fully heal my, or anyone else’s insecurities. What am i insecure about? Everything and anything that requires me to perform or be productive. Work and home are okay for the moment, but its the thought of not being in school that’s killing me. And I only have myself to blame, but i wont beat myself up for it, the thought just remains, can I get back in school this summer or this fall, and be that same student I was before it all turned downhill? Or will I just be mediocre?
Work and home life have been stable to say the least. Although the work situation could be better. I’m happy with the job that I have, I’m grateful and blessed to have the position. Just need to perform better. There’s pressure on everyone to do better, as a store, we’re not doing so hot, so the pressure trickles down from each level of status. Fear starts to set in, what if I can’t do my job at a high level, what should I start doing about it? Why should I worry, it’s just a job right, no pressure, yet still there is ALWAYS room for improvement!!
Thats all it is. Fear. Fear that I wont succeed on my job. Fear that I’m not strong enough to resist temptation. Fear that I’m not the man that I need to be in every facet of life. Fear that I just don’t have what it takes. Just as sin gives way to death. Fear gives way to depression. And depression is something I’ve dealt with in the past, and not in the best of ways….
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. – 2 Timothy 1:7
I need to pray for a sense of urgency. Sense of urgency on my job, at home, in my relationship, definitely my relationship with God. I can’t just sit here and think and ponder, and let fear control me. I have to feed my faith. and it all starts and finishes with God. He must be the only One I fear.
Lord, help me to overcome the obstacles in my life, help me not to be insecure or to fear anything or anyone but You. Give me a sense of urgency to serve You with everything I do, and to live for You in ALL that I do. I love You and I need You. In Your Son Jesus name I pray, Amen.