Unplugged. “Speechless”

at a lost for words.. can’t begin to describe, to put into words the moment, the feeling, the event, place you’re in, the thoughts you’re thinking…

excitement, joy, exuberance..           or                 pain, disappointment, and depressed.

 

the feeling when you have so much on your mind, so many things you want to explain, thoughts that run through your head at your lowest moment, to even begin to put them into words just on a piece of paper is a long stretch.

its the speechless feeling when you can’t help how you feel… its a rut, it’s a slump, it’s a depression. you can’t help how you feel because you’re just there. its the process you aren’t excited to go through, but you endure because at some point you’ll be the polar opposite of you feel now…

when you ultimately attempt to open up and reach deep down to begin to explain how you feel…your mouth opens, but your eyes start to water up first.

when you cant tell the most important people, the very few at that,  right now in your life whats going on because you feel you have locked up and nothing will come out.

the few people you thought you could go to in this very moment aren’t here no longer, even those that are here and worthy of this crucial time when you need to empty out and decompress, even they hear nothing from you…

then that one person in your life that was there from the start, the one person who knew your every move, and every thought, the only one you felt like you had the deepest connection with on earth, that person now.. all but just a memory in your brain..

the ups and downs of life, the roller coaster highs and lows that everyone goes through… you see the social network pages and just about all of your friends…..seem to be having …just another good day…

but you.. sitting there…lying there slump on the couch or bed, maybe a rise from what you seen on the tv, or bobbing your head to a song on your itunes, but other than that, still in that same slump.

but you can’t put a title or label on it…. but you know it’s there.

thats where I am. 

you may call it depressed. 

i call it a lack of motivation. no longer feeling like i’m chasing after a goal, trying to achieve something meaningful, only sitting here existing. 

no longer immune to life’s ups and downs, but now catching a cold the first moment i go through a trial. 

having to press forward in a difficult time, only because of a choice i had to make based on the circumstance i could no longer go through. 

losing the taste, the hunger, the fight for something that means everything for your tomorrow, losing the vision i had today. 

having to just make the most of the present now, recovering and rebounding from a past that might have not been so damaging but it only had to take one or two wounds , either self inflicted, or external. 

balancing the thoughts of just handling what a man would call adversity, or facing the music that i have real life insecurities.

if it could all go back to yesterday, or yesteryear, stop, that’s the problem 

i’m so caught up in what happen(ed), i lose sight on what’s happen(ing) and therefore I run the risk of missing out on what will happen? 

wishing someone was still here, still in my life, still alive, doesn’t help the matter that I’m in this life still for a reason.. 

i fight this struggle w/ sin everyday, and lately my record is below .500 

but there’s been a battle i’ve been fighting long before my sexual temptation became the current battle 

just like the war with Iraq or Afghanistan was never really the original war.. 

i’ve been fighting depression/bi polar for officially the last year, and most likely longer. 

some days It doesn’t bother me at all, but others I feel like I’m down for the count. 

this is the battle where my army feels outnumbered. 

i can resist the sexual urges………90% of the time.. 

but when something happens in life, whether its a decision i have to live with, or I just get dealt an unfair hand, the depression/insecurity war rages something serious. 

i feel as if i don’t have the firepower to command the army, but just barely enough to defend the fort. 

……..

depression is the mood, insecurities are shortfalls in life, when put together it can have an effect on my life. 

the last time depression got to me, I rounded up strapped to a hospital bed. not because i was sick, but because I had allowed the depression to turn into frustration and anger, that led to a rise in blood pressure, combined with no sleep, racing thoughts, and I had the recipe for bi-polarity. 

 I won’t say that I’m feeling quite like the last episode, far from it. but I will say I hate these funks, these low life feelings… and why I know these are only temporary, it still raises concern. 

why can’t I be consistently happy?