Lately I’ve called myself ‘in a funk one day or week’, and ‘on a high’ the next..
I’ve been struggling and fighting with all sorts of struggles. Addiction, Lust, Pride, Depression, doubts, Insecurities, Wounds, past, and present issues. And that doesn’t even include the everyday ups and downs, like financial hardship, college education on hold, job status inconsistent at the moment, new job prayerfully next month… And all this has gotten me, just on the brink.
A part of me is frustrated, another part worried, then another stressed, then another..numb..
Frustrated because I sense the mistakes I continue to make in my life, and affecting others. Frustrated because I can’t break free from strongholds of addictions, I gain temporary relief from them physically (lust) but the mind still wanders on. Worried because now friendships and relationships are hanging in the balance because i can’t control my thoughts, and emotions. And it all starts with my mind, and why it gets away from me. Stressed because things have all but riddled away this month. totally broke, legal and family stuff to deal with, that shouldn’t even be dealt with, and school next semester is uncertain after sitting this semester out..
Then there’s that numb feeling. It’s like the frustration, the worrying, stressing, anxiety, loss of sleep at night, all leads to the feeling of being numb. It’s like i can’t put into words what that ‘numb’ feeling represents.. and I can’t.
the wounds from my past, the empty feeling I often feel, that i long to have filled so quickly by all the wrong things, It’s accumulated so much over time, that I’ve gone senseless to it.
I don’t know what else to say… sometimes I feel helpless, sometimes I feel like I know what I need to do, who I need to go to.
part of that numb feeling acts as a ‘Mute’ button over my mouth. Sometimes i feel like i don’t have the voice to cry out to God, when I need Him the most. I don’t know what to say, or how to say it, because I’ve read in scripture about how and what to pray for, and I just want to know and feel that God knows my heart, but sometimes I don’t even know if I know my heart, I lead myself and others to believe a certain image of me, that might not even be true. Friends get upset, women that I have dated in the past, or liked, eventually saw the real me, the ‘incomplete’ me and labeled me as a ‘good for nothing’ man.
here I am striving to be a better man, going to a Men’s workbook study at my church to help and encourage myself to become a better man, and I can’t even carry out those principles..
and its not just the social scene, I come up short on my job, at home with my family, and definitely my relationship with God.
my problem growing up as a child, in a healthy family mind you, thinking that everyone else had it better than me…
this is coming from a young boy that pretty much had basically everything a young child could ask for, two loving, God-fearing parents, nice house, just about all the toys and games you could ask for, etc.
This is how i felt at a young age. then things changed.
I grew up, but went through a heck of a lot of adversity. I lost my dad, a definite key to growing and maturing as a young man.
And that grew into the very wound that hinders me the most, affects me on all sides.
Because he’s no longer here, I have to face the fact, i wont have an admirable father figure, cause I’ve hit the bittersweet age of my early 20s. All my uncles have children of their own, my mother now has wounds of her own losing a spouse, dealing with retirement and what not, and on top of that, I go out of my way, and try to fulfill that void, and go on my emotions and start diving into relationships at an early age, that too developing yet another wound.
Forgive me for writing this much, well if anyone cares enough to read this particular post, this is strictly a release and vent post, no public posting to my pages or anything, just one of those posts you write one day when your mind is clouded and you write it way in the back of your notebook…
‘Thats why I entitled this post unplugged’
But I have to do this growing up thing all by my own. At times I feel as if I’m more than capable of doing it, and growing and maturing as a young man has its adversities. But it’s times like these where I just wish I had an older wiser male, that father figure, a mentor, that can be there to give that brotherly advice, that man-to-man real life, real world, real talk, kind of insight.
when my world looks just about messed up, most of it on the hands of myself, how do i turn things around, how do i better the wrong in my life, how do I center my focus on the true person I’m trying to be more like.
That’s the next feeling I have. An inefficiency, a MAJOR ONE. As much as I ‘say’ I long to be closer to Jesus Christ, a desire to grow closer to God through Him, as much as I claim that, I don’t always follow through… I make excuses, I distract myself, find other things to do, when I need to be on my knees praying to Him, seeking Him, reading His word, spending more time with Him.
I have the desire. the zeal. I just don’t always follow through.
then I asked the question. To what good will it be when I honestly start following through, and be about what I’m saying. Will God really get the glory when I start praying and reading more, will Jesus be seen through me when I interact with someone? Or will I just reap the benefit, all for my gain.
The reason I feel so empty I think is because it’s not that I’m missing anything in this world, it’s because I’m missing the true intimacy of a relationship with Jesus Christ.
An honest true relationship with Him. Not just dress up and play church, grab a bible and hold it in my hand and profess that I am a Christian, no I mean fall flat out on my face and just revere Him. Obey Him, sacrifice all that I have and want in this world to be with Him. forsake everything I own for Him, let people go that are not edifying to my soul, or don’t possess a desire to be close to Jesus like i do.
Again this is a lot of words being written, and I’m scared once again I’m doing a major injustice and fault to myself and others, and now this time GOD. That injustice is leading myself on, and leading God on to think that I honestly want to draw closer to Him, when really I just want to gain popularity points, or just look good.
THATS NOT THE CASE!!!!
OH JESUS, LORD, I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW. NOT ASKING ANYTHING FROM YOU TO GAIN FOR MY PERSONAL BENEFIT, BUT THAT YOU WOULD COME INTO MY HEART AND FILL THIS VOID. LORD I TAKE CAPTIVE EVERY THOUGHT THAT IS NOT OF YOU RIGHT NOW AND REBUKE IT IN YOUR NAME, LORD HELP ME TO STOP LEADING PEOPLE ON, SPEAKING ON MY FLAWED EMOTIONS AND MY TAINTED FEELINGS, AND HELP ME TO LOVE THEM WITH A GODLY LOVE THAT YOUR FATHER HAS SHOWN ME. LORD HELP ME NOT TO FEEL DEPRESSED OR STRESSED OR WORRY ABOUT THINGS I CAN’T CONTROL. LOOSE YOURSELF IN MY HEART, IN MY MIND, RELEASE YOUR SPIRIT ONTO ME RIGHT NOW JESUS, O GOD SEND YOUR GRACE UPON MY MIND LORD, I DESIRE TO BE CLOSER TO YOU THROUGH YOUR SON. I’M SORRY FOR ALL THE WRONG I’VE DOWN THE HURT THAT I CAUSED YOU AND YOUR PEOPLE. THE FEELINGS THAT I HAVE HURT, THE HEARTS I MAY HAVE BROKEN, THE WOUNDS THAT I HAVE LORD, I PRAY THAT YOU WOULD HEAL THEM AND BIND THEM UP LORD, HEAL AND SOFTEN MY HEART LORD SO THAT I MAY CONSIDER OTHERS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS BEFORE MINE, LORD HELP ME TO BE SELFLESS AND SENSITIVE TO OTHERS O GOD. IN YOUR NAME I PRAY JESUS THAT YOU WOULD CONTINUE TO SHOW YOURSELF IN MY LIFE LORD. SO THAT I MAY NOT LACK OR WANT LORD GOD. HELP ME TO BE CONTENT. HELP ME TO STAY FOCUSED IN THIS SEASON. SHOW ME WHAT YOUR WILL IS GOD. HELP ME AND REMIND ME THAT YOU SUSTAIN ME AND COMFORT ME IN TIMES OF TROUBLE AND WORRY. HELP ME O GOD, REMIND ME THAT YOU SUPPLY EVERY ONE OF MY NEEDS ACCORDING TO YOUR RICHES AND GLORY GOD. LORD JUST RELEASE YOURSELF, YOUR GRACE, AND YOUR MERCY UPON MY ENTIRE FAMILY AND ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES. LET THEM KNOW THAT YOU ARE WITH THEM EVERYWHERE THEY GO. GOD HELP ME TO BE A BETTER SON, A BETTER GRANDSON, A BETTER NEPHEW, AND COUSIN, HELP ME TO BE A BETTER FRIEND, A BETTER STUDENT OF BOTH YOUR WORD AND THE EDUCATION YOU’VE CALLED ME TO PURSUE ON THIS EARTH. LORD I PRAY THIS PRAYER IN YOUR MIGHTY SON JESUS NAME, PLEASE HEAR MY PRAYER O LORD, AMEN!