Lord, I just want to say thanks for all that You do for me. Sometimes I overlook all that you do for me. The simple things, waking me up each morning, allowing me to get rest at night, even though my mind keeps me up.. Even the big things like delivering me from sins, and giving me strength to battle and fight with ones i still struggle with…
things like blessing my loved ones. family, close friends. I don’t thank you enough.. I have this quiet calm feeling inside of me that just wants to burst out sometimes, but it cant. It’s like its blocked. Blocked by fear, doubt, uncertainty, lack of faith, and a subconscious that eats away at the very foundation with you I try to build.
God I know Satan is on the prowl for everyone in the faith, including myself. but honestly i think i struggle most with my mind, because I, myself create those own thoughts. I don’t know how, i don’t know why, but I see myself start to grow spiritually, starting to rise up just even a little bit, and just that quick, I hit rock bottom..
I question myself, why do i have these thoughts? Why do i struggle with my own subconscious like this, why? Is there a wound in my life i haven’t dealt with? Is it a past relationship or friendship I haven’t released over to you? Have I not forgiven someone, or asked someone for forgiveness? What is it Lord??
And then there’s the environment around me. So many people around me have different beliefs about you God, or even the lack there of. And I know I shouldn’t get caught up in what other people believe. But it’s hard, when they try to impose their beliefs on me, or try to correct me of my beliefs. And I know and realize it all goes back and comes down to Your Word, so I ask why is it that in just now trying to find myself in You, lose my old self, get rid of my evil ways, and make strides and continually strive to be closer to You, why is it that I’m at this crossroads…
not the crossroads a person would have between living for you or living for the world,
but crossroads between just how to live for you… different beliefs backed by the same bible, people’s philosophy and theology about spiritual and religious beliefs being molded into how they live, I’ve been confused before, but now its not so much confused, as it is concerned..
God I’ve been fighting a funk in my mind on and off for the past several months, and of course you know this, I was told that going through a serious lifestyle change in your life can cause your mind to spiral out of control… God I’ve been through that, I was on that hospital bed, blood pressure shot up, giving everybody even myself a scare, but Lord, You’ve kept me, you brought me out of whirlwind I was in with my mind..
You brought me out of that, you brought me out of so many other things, and You kept me, and here I am writing this to you because I have a cloudy mind about how i perceive things around me, and in me. God I know its more to it then deciding and discerning what’s real and what’s not real, who is and who isn’t.
At the end of the day, I long for that personal relationship with you, not to be seen or heard by people, not for validation by anybody else
God I want the relationship with you my heart desires. Its the reason why a relationship with a woman won’t work right now, its because I haven’t fully devoted myself in a relationship with You.
That’s what I want. nothing else matters to me right now.
I love you so much God, help me to live for you, help me to love others the way You loved me. teach me your ways, Abba, Father
make me hate my sin, create in me a relentless desire to worship Your name.
You mean everything to me, because Your son Jesus Christ died for me. I can’t believe I’m so caught up in how i perceive things around me, how I can be so ungrateful and not even think, reflect, rely, and mediate on how good you are! How foolish am I!
O Lord, forgive me,
help me to know that this race is not won in one day, help me to make spiritual strides, and to never burn out.
Be with me, Father.
Don’t leave me God.
I can’t do this without you..
-I hope and pray you get this letter.-
with all my heart,