So my favorite team the Mavericks tied up the nba finals at 2-2 in an exciting game!
But why do i feel like i feel? i should feel all hyped and excited that my team won. but yet I’m fighting thoughts, yet again. My head has been in a whirl, thinking theres something im not doing enough, or something im not doing at all, to be where i need to be. its like i’m not doing anything at all, just going through with the motions.
i just dont know where i fit in anymore? what’s my purpose? battling depressing thoughts like i’m not good enough, when am i going to finish school, and dig myself out of debt, stressing over my future. AT this point the obvious thing is to turn it over to God, and let Him handle it. thats what im trying to do… its just takes time… trying to keep the faith. Its hard sometimes… everybody’s struggle isn’t the same, and everybody doesn’t go through what you go through, but.. idk.
i seriously dont know what else to say. except for pray for me. a part of me wish i would just isolate myself from everybody else. and just focus on me. everyone seems to have what they need, and doing what they would like to do, living for God, everything like that. Im just not on that level. i try and hope and wish and pray to get on that level. and i fall, whether by mistake, or just give in and give up. i know i shouldnt think God is disappointed in me, but to be honest i can’t say He’s entirely too thrilled with me either. everything i want to do for the better has a counter thought. I just don’t have the high spirit,energetic, enthusiasm i once had. Around my friends, at work, at home, i feel like i have lost a step. i have high days and low days. i dont try to impress anyone , im just looking for encouragement. not just a one-line pick-me-up. but encouragement thats a confidence boost. that’s an inspiration. motivation that says i can do no wrong. nothing to lose and everything to gain. something that i can only gain from God. its there, i just want God to show me. feeling good one second, and the next feeling worthless, is not healthy. stressing over what’s not going my way isn’t either. I put on a smile and try to laugh things off, but to no avail.
Lord i just need to know and feel that you still love me, after all the times that i fail you. I understand i might not get the constant affection and admiration from people, but i must rely on that your love is endless and always there. Help me to realize that whatever I am going through, You are more than capable of providing for me, comforting me, protecting me, delivering me, and loving me like no one else can. You gave me a spirit of self control, and love, power, and sound mind, NOT a spirit of fear. so help me EVERYDAY Lord to know and realize that. i need to be reminded of that everyday. every moment of the day, help me not to fall into a pit of depression, help me not to fall into temptation of any kind. encourage me Lord, inspire me to live for You, to serve You, to love MYSELF more, and to love others more. to LIVE with a positive, driven mindset, and not a lazy, dead mindset.
God i dont want to feel like I do now. and I know you dont want me to either. Feeling like im less of myself isn’t what you would want me to feel. So Lord I ask in Your name, that You help me to have a better mindset, clear my mind, and help me to stay encouraged and focused on You!
I know You are able Lord, sometimes i just have to vent. Sometimes i have to let it out, and have someone to talk to . I’m just glad I could talk to You