It seems like war is inevitable. War in the middle east, war on the home front, war at home amongst families, on your job..
even in your mind..
and i’m going through it hard… really hard..
at times, it’ll flare up, and i become overwhelmed with thoughts of giving up, giving up trying to turn my life around and live solely for God, and put my worldly desires behind me. and at other times, it may just be where i know i’m in the middle of doing something, or wanting to do something that i know im not supposed to do, and i catch myself before its too late.
but now, more than ever, i’m under attack. on every side. from depression to self gratification, to losing faith, doubting my future, unsure of my purpose, calling that God has placed on my life, whether i should be embarking on this new relationship, or at the job im currently at. its like im literally on a battlefield, standing in the middle of two armies. and i know what side i SHOULD choose ( God’s side) but up until now i’ve been on the other side, the wrong side. I realize its time i switch sides and start fighting on God’s army. and thats where the attacks start happening. my mind often times becomes weak as opposed to my inner will to want to live for God. the flesh in me wants to stay put and remain comfortable in my sinful ways. and when every other part of me, the spirit in me stands up and says its time to fight, the weak, stagnant, stubborn side of me says… why? Why should i move?
(this is some deep stuff)
My mind starts to say, why should i move from where i am? i’m comfortable where i am. Living for God is cool, but think about it , before you even wanted to fully live for Him, we were having a good time. Didn’t have to worry about what you said, did, thought about, looked at, anything….. life was good. you were happy….
….. this is where i get tricked…
but now you want to change things around and live for God. ya ok, i see where you’re coming from, you want me to think differently and not fall into temptation, yea i get that…. but don’t you notice how stressed you are…. you got me all strained as your brain trying to turn it all around so quick…. what’s the rush??? you’re stressing now cause you can’t decide for yourself how, when, and why you should give up the good life for God? look around, anyone else you know doing it… what about the people in your class…. yea we’re getting teased by them, they call you ‘pastor jo’ or the preacher man…. putting you on that fake pedestal…
see how stressed out you are…. wondering if this is what you want to do?? you may be pleasing God by reading His word more, praying more… but are YOU happy? or are you depressed??
…this isn’t your Granddad’s spiritual warfare…
bottom line is yes, i want to be happy.. but i want to be happy knowing that im living for God.
i just know im not there yet…. …..
pray for me yall