Random Thoughts..

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You know the feeling where you have every reason to feel good about where you are in your life, but something in your mind wont allow you to enjoy that feeling, and live in the moment?

yeah… thats where i am. and ive been there for a while.
its tough sitting here thinking, i’m not where i used to be, i’m still not where i should be, and where i need to be, but man, i can’t help but to think: what if…
what if i didn’t have the whole i’m not where i used to be story?
what if i never did ‘that’ and did ‘this’ , and everything was good?
what if i.. what if this… what if? what if???

no.. i should be thinking..
i’m glad i’m no longer where i used to be..
i’m blessed to be where i am in my life..
God is bringing me into a new season, and i should be grateful for that…

to be honest, i have both mindsets..
a lot of my thinking is retrospective.. stuck in the past. before i can come to a decision in my life, big or small, i always think on past experiences relating to the certain situation given at the time… some call it making informed decisions based on research and prior experience.. others call it….. just dwelling on the past.

and we all know.. dwelling on the past, is not good for you…. wanna know how i know now? confirmation email..
not the confirmation email you get when you sign up for something or start some new account, and they send you a ‘confirmation email’

no, im talking about something that at first sight, might not seem like it has anything relevant to do with what may be on your mind, but after serious thought, you realize it was a message you needed to hear.
in that email, it was an encouraging letter with a scripture from Lamentations 3:22-23:

If is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed,because his compassions fail not.They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness

It was the encouraging message that followed the scripture.

Yesterday is over. The past is over. Today is clean. Make each day new and pure to the Lord. Confess & repent of yesterday’s sin and move on! Too much thought of yesterday will SPOIL what God has for you TODAY!

Thats what i needed to see. confirmation…. i cant dwell on the past. I’m tired of not being able to enjoy and be apart of what God is doing in my life right now. I’m almost frustrated of this mindset that i have, some thought inside of me is telling me i cant enjoy what all is going on in my life, and i know that its a spirit of timidity or fear, spirit of insecurity.

[In the midst of writing this, my 17 year old cousin gave me advice on not dwelling on the past. My younger cousin, i never would have thought it. But what he said made alot of sense. he told me that i cant dwell on the past, and that i have to move on, and i cant dwell on something in my past that didnt go right.]

Its not so much of what in my past didnt go right, its that my future will be affected one way or another because of my past. and i know that might not make sense to some, but i just see it as different, thats the cloud over my head talking..

Truth is, today is a new day and God does give us new mercies. Thats it. no dwelling in the past.
If anything, as the scripture says, we need to repent for yesterdays sin and live in today’s new mercy, given from God.

so the thoughts of not being good enough, thinking my past will come back to haunt me soon enough… i can’t allow those thoughts to hold me captive either…

but its easier said than done…

so i’ll stop writing. talking. thinking.

and start praying..

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